What I’ve dubbed to myself “The Unboxening” has been going rather smoothly. I’ve broken it down into three phases. The first is as described in my last entry, the scavenging and picking through the barn. The second, with help of my mom this time, is the actual unboxing and unwrapping of the items.

Phase 3, however, is what I’m dreading – I don’t even know if I can go through with it. It’s telling my parents that they have to get rid of it, or the dinnerware we already have.

It seems silly when you first think about it; it’s just cups and plates after all. But to them, it’s more. They have an emotional connection to it. Some of it was inherited, on both sides, and a great deal of it was gifted to them for their wedding. They haven’t seen any of this stuff for over 20 years.

And that’s a big part of it. They haven't used any of it for decades, meaning they can live without it. We don’t have room for more, and I certainly won’t be a part of packing it back up again. So our only option, really, is to let things go.

It doesn’t have to be this old stuff either! We have bought crystal in years gone by that we can get rid of instead! I just don’t want to hold on to so much of it when it could be owned by someone who will use and enjoy it more than us. Maybe that’s just my thrift-store brain talking.

Truth be told, though, that’s the least of my concerns right now. At time of writing, there are dozens of glasses on my lawn that need to be washed, and I highly doubt they’re dishwasher safe.

With an impending graduation party, and a developing interest in cooking, it seemed my family could invest in new (or gently used) kitchenware. Alas, my parents would reply, “We have plenty!” Yeah, but it’s in the barn. In a different county, even!

They must have reached their breaking point though, because my dad finally agreed to make the trip; besides, it’s been a while since we visited our old house. The new owner is a friend of my dad’s, so we can technically visit anytime we want to, but since we don’t really have any business out there, we have no reason to.

We actually passed by our lack of “business” on the way.

Fields once dotted with cows are now empty. The old shed is gone, along with the scattered equipment around it. Farther back, sticking out like a sore thumb, was a new addition. A long, bland building – the receiving end of the nearby warehouse, or who knows what. I don’t really care.

It hurts to look at. The conditions that my dad sold the land under were… troubling, to say the least. The precursor to eminent domain. Today was the first time I’d seen it since it sold.

Enough about that. We made it to our barn and geared up – gloves and masks, to protect us from mouse droppings and spiders. Our half of Kentucky is notorious for Brown Recluse spiders, a species that has necrotic venom. They love to hide in small, dark spaces (aka cardboard boxes in dingy barns).

I’ve been in this storage room (built by a different owner as a pool/billiards room) a handful of times, but I didn’t get to see much of what’s in the boxes. A solid 60% of it just seems to be glassware and breakables. I mean, that’s what we came for, but we brought out a lot more boxes than I thought we would.

So much of it is my parents wedding china & silverware. God, that really breaks my heart. They’ve been married over 25 years now, and most of that stuff hasn’t seen the light of day since then. I made a mental note: if I ever get married, I’ll only ask for practical gifts or nothing at all (or, y’know, straight up cash works too).

Besides bittersweet dining ware, and countless more dishes, we found a few treasures. A pen made of rosewood, given to my dad by my maternal grandfather. The Gameboy that my dad offered to my brother, but could never locate. A salmon colored ashtray with its own special lighter, that belonged to my great grandmother. A cuckoo clock that my dad had tried (and failed) to repair as a child. Each item brought out an old memory, a glimpse into the past I wasn’t around for.

We bagged up the boxes we had chosen and loaded them into the car. One step closer to moving out completely!

…To be honest, I doubt we’ll ever clear out all our junk from there. Not in my parents’ lifetime, and probably not in mine, either.

►⏸ Go Faster

Mom bought tickets to the Black Crowes concert at the Grand Ole Opry for my birthday. I’m not a huge fan of theirs (i haven't listened to them much), but I like a couple of their songs, and I knew she’d get a kick out of it. Concerts with her are always fun.

We brought one of my friends with us and once we got there, we stood in the merch line for 30-45 minutes. Honestly, that’s not even too bad compared to some of the other ones we’ve been in. It’s not very fun to do, but it beats leaving the show empty handed after everything is sold out. I bought a shirt that reads “Happiness Bastards” (their new album/the tour name) in big letters, a 7” single from the opener, Olivia Jean, and a couple other small things.

We were excited to see posters by Hatch Show Prints for sale as well! They’re a Nashville printmaking business that makes art with hand-carved wooden blocks. They tend to make more prints for Ryman shows than Grand Ole Opry ones (at least from my experience), so we were pleasantly surprised.

Olivia Jean, by the way, really rocked. I like to buy stuff from openers anyway because I imagine it’s pretty rough (the main event is the one that gets all the attention), but now I’m thinking about buying her full album. Her music had a sort of gothic feel to it and I think I heard a little bit of west coast sound in there too. Cool stuff! I looked her up after her set and apparently she’s married to the guy from the White Stripes!

The Black Crowes were very lively, especially the lead singer. We were laughing after the show about his dancing; my friend called it the “white man wiggle,” and my mom described it as “Jagger-esque”.

The fellas sitting in front of us were a bit annoying. One in particular would wolf whistle during the songs… and not when everyone was clapping. Didn’t detract from my enjoyment though.

They didn’t play my favorite song (go faster, which you can play at the top of this entry) so I was a tiny bit disappointed but I still had a wonderful time!

►⏸ In Bloom

Nirvana song for this entry courtesy of my friend Luna, who finally convinced me to start listening to them. Just needed a push in the right direction!

The amount of family photos and personal mementos we get donated at work is genuinely staggering at times. Pictures of people I’ve never met (and likely never will). Some of them old enough to be printed on wet plates. Who were they? What were they like? It's strange to me that such intimate moments are given away to be sorted through by strangers. I understand not wanting to throw them away, but if you, the person related to them, doesn't want to keep them, then why would we?

I feel bad tossing that stuff, but otherwise, what the hell do we do with it? One of the pricers has a collage on her wall where coworkers have stuck portraits and school pictures up and said they're her “family”. Another had a shelf full of strange, obviously handmade decor during christmas, as well as a few weird Santa photos. It's fun for a laugh. In a strange way, it feels almost like we're immortalizing their image.

I think working is having a detrimental effect on my health. Well, less working itself, but working with the public (cashiering). I’ve been sick twice in the last month & a half. That doesn’t seem normal to me….I haven’t been masking at work because I don’t have any N95s and I don’t want to be harassed by customers, but I’m gonna look into it. Or, at the very least, get a clear mask like this one that isn’t NIOSH rated but still should filter out most of whatever our customers bring in while still letting my HOH customers read my lips. Hopefully I can work something out.

Unrelated, but should I make a Cohost account? If you have one, do you like it? Is it better than Tumblr? I hate having so many social accounts but if it’s a genuinely better alternative, it could be worth a shot. The biggest worry for me is missing out on the 15ish years of posts. I love reblogging art from years and years ago, and that’s not really an option for a website that’s barely two years old.

…Also unrelated, but I think I might make an email just for the website. That way people can have a direct line of contact about the site and my blog posts, etc. Biggest problem would be to actually remember to check and respond, though, LOL.

Why are people so judgmental?

The other day a lady came into work with a voucher for free clothes from one of the charities we’re associated with. She had seven kids with her. I was a little bit surprised – that's a lot of children! – but I didn't really think that much of it. My coworkers kept pointing it out though, one going as far as to make a joke about birth control, which I found rather cruel.

Sure, the kids were a little loud at times, but they were mostly under control, and the lady was treating them fair. She's a complete stranger. Why is it necessary to make assumptions about her? We have no idea what her situation is… we don't even know if they're all her kids!

I don't know. I hear this kind of stuff often from other people and it really upsets me. It's worse on social media too. Sometimes I wonder if people see each other as actual human beings with lives and feelings, or just static characters incapable of being nuanced.

Also, as usual, I’m sorry about the lack of updates. I’ve been playing Pokemon Platinum recently and it takes up most of my free time now. I’m trying to be more responsible and keep up with household tasks (basically just laundry rn) and self care (exercise, staying hydrated, all that good stuff) since I might be going to college later this year and I need to get better at time management, but it’s pretty tough. I’m still working on it!!

While I’m thinking about it, I’ve gotta say – this exercise shit is actually pretty cool. Highly recommend. I feel like I have less joint pain, especially in my knees; strengthening the muscles surrounding them has taken the pressure off some. Obviously, that’s just my personal experience, but if you have similar problems, it might be worth a try.

I think I might start adding blog posts to the update log because I don’t do many actual page/site updates often. I guess this will be the first one!

Happy New Year!

Quick update on my test scores – I got a 1290 on the SAT and a 31 on the ACT. Not so shabby!

Earlier in December I went with my friend to St. Augustine down in Florida, and although there were a few stressful patches for me, I had a lot of fun. The architecture downtown was so beautiful, especially in the cathedrals and shrines. I really enjoyed the lighthouse (although i was terrified of the climb up, it was a bad day for my knees and i could see halfway down…) and I got another stamp for my lighthouse passport. There were some good thrift stores there too and I bought myself a nice winter coat (and a small globe that TSA had to check because the machine labeled it an explosive).

Usually I spend NYE with my friend, but she has a boyfriend now and I imagine she’s hanging out with him tonight. I don’t blame her… to be honest, I'd do the same. It’s been years since I’ve celebrated at home but it was kinda fun. We played Uno and watched House MD and argued about how tall LL Cool J is (he’s 6’2 – he is NOT short). The ball drop was lame, as always. I watched Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time last New Year’s Eve with my friend so I’m probably going to watch it later in her honor. I’m also going to finally fix my everyday boots since I’m going to be wearing them the rest of the year, and the holes are starting to piss me off.

Um… I can’t really think of anything else to say, so I’ll go ahead and close this on a sappy note.

This has been a strange year for me. It feels like it’s blown right past me. I’ve always been told that time passes faster as you get older, but I never really noticed it until now. It’s been different. It will always be different. It’s been hard, not just for myself, but for everybody I’ve talked to. Thanks for sticking around. The next year isn’t going to be easier, but I think we’ll be stronger. Keep being kind, and keep caring for others, and keep advocating for those in need. A little can go a long way. Take care, and have a good one.

The past few weeks have been extremely stressful for me, and it seems that I can’t keep things from piling up on my plate. The website has been the least of my concerns right now, which is why I haven’t written a blog post in a month or so.

I got a message from the college I applied to that I needed to submit ACT or SAT scores. I, uh, didn’t have any. Their website says that the test scores are optional. And they are! Unless you’re homeschooled, apparently. I get that they can’t rely on grades parents submit, but a little warning would have been nice. So we booked the soonest available test, the SAT a week and a half away.

When I began practice testing, I realized that I was not prepared to take this test. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, the reading half was a breeze, but the math? Half of it I had no idea what the hell they were going on about. I took Algebra 1 in 7th grade. I haven’t had a math class in three years (sidenote: this is why you never let them convince you to skip years ahead in a class). Some of that shit I’ve completely forgotten, and a lot of it I had never studied before. I had a week and a half to relearn all of this, and I was so anxious about it, I couldn’t even study. Which made me more anxious. Awesome!

Half a week passes, and my mom tells me she thinks my brother has type 1 diabetes.

…

Uh, hello? What?

Her reasoning: three people in the past week had pointed out that he looked like he had lost weight. We didn’t notice, of course, because we see him every day. She also mentioned that he wasn’t drinking as much, which is an early sign. Type 1 diabetes is genetic, and it runs in my mom’s family – her father had it, as well as her brother and his son (her nephew/my cousin). Generally, it develops early in life, between ages 4-12ish.

My brother is 15. That’s fairly late for this disease, but the rest of the family were also diagnosed later in life. Grandad developed it as a late teen, my uncle developed it in his early to mid twenties, and my cousin was diagnosed just last year, and he’s nearing thirty (i’d also like to bring up how my horseback riding instructor, who is admittedly not related to me, was diagnosed in his forties!). It’s a pretty weird disease, and as far as I know, it’s basically just a genetic lottery whether you develop it or not.

So Mom plans to take him to the doctor later in the week, the day before the test, in fact. Okay, whatever.

They get there, and his blood sugar is over 400. For context, a healthy level is generally under 100. He and Mom have to go spend the night at a hospital hours away from home. So, at this point, he basically has it, right? I mean, he hasn’t officially been diagnosed (spoiler alert, he was after this), but he might as well be, right?? I get to go to bed wondering how the hell we’re going to explain to my brother, who, for the record, is autistic, that he can’t eat all the foods he likes anymore, and how he has to get shots multiple times a week, and I also have the test tomorrow morning.

I take 40mg of melatonin and two benadryl (try my recipe, boy). I go to sleep.

I took the SAT. It was fine. I know my math score will bring my whole score down, but it should ride. I went to work. It was fine. My brother has diabetes, and it’s fine. I’ve finally managed to catch a break, at least.

Things could certainly be a lot worse.

Have you ever used a film camera? If you're my age (around 16-20) chances are your only exposure to them has been through Polaroids and Instax (and other instant cameras of that nature). And there's nothing wrong with that! I love my Polaroid Sun 600. But a few months ago I bought a German camera from the 50s (an Arette Dn) and it is such a wonderful object. Immediately the first thing I noticed was how heavy it was, how much of it was solid metal. And there was no place to put the batteries! To my surprise, cameras from this era and before didn't have them. They're all mechanical. Feeling the definite click of the shutter-release under my finger and shifting the lever at the bottom to wind the film… It's hard to explain, but it just feels right in my hands. Feels real.

I bought two more cameras yesterday; an Argus Argoflex Seventy-Five from the 50s and a Six-16 Brownie from the 30s. The Brownie will be harder to test because the 616 film it was made to use is discontinued, although there are adapters produced so you can use 120 film in its place. The 75 uses 620 film which is still produced by a few companies, but it is basically just 120 film on a different roll, so if I trim the roll’s edges it should ride. Both are intended to be held about waist-high and viewed from above, with the viewfinder being on top (the Brownie has two viewfinders; one for portrait and one for landscape).

Pictures that I took at work.

Aesthetically, they’re both beautiful, but the Brownie is especially – it has a brilliant art deco design in gold on its face, and the outer body is covered in a faux leather. The 75 is smaller, and very sleek with its rounded edges and ribbed sides. According to ArtDecoCameras dot com, I can even tell you the month and year it was manufactured from a number stamped into the inside of the film door; May 1951 (5105). The Brownie came with its original box (!!!!!!) and the 75 has its leather case, as well as a flash attachment.

(You can use this manual to follow along with the next few paragraphs.)

The plastic viewing lens on the 75 had fallen inside and rattled around; my dad and I cracked it open tonight to do some work on it. We removed the face and cleaned the mirror/lenses so the viewfinder is crisp and clear, and pressed the plastic lens back into place. Putting the rest back together… was a bit more difficult. The face is connected to the cover of the viewfinder, and the cover is spring loaded, so when we removed it the spring popped off. This tiny-ass spring did NOT want to go back in, but Dad used a stripped twist tie to anchor one end (so it wouldn’t fall into the depths of the camera’s innards) and managed to hook the other end onto the peg in a little crevice.

Without the face and lenses.

Next we had to slide the plate with the lenses under the face, while making sure the time/instant switch still lined up with the internal mechanism. After two tries sliding it in, we messed with the switch and thought it was fucked up for good because it seemed loose when we moved it. After a bit more messing around with it, something must have clicked into place because it began to have the slightest resistance, and we could see the difference in the shutter on each setting (‘time’ in this case lets you choose the shutter speed, so when the shutter release button is held down, the shutter stays open; this would be used for long exposures).

One of the docks for the flash attachment is loose as well, but we didn’t want to go through the trouble of reopening everything again, especially since the flash attachment may not work (and even if it does, i don’t think the flash bulbs are worth the trouble, in my opinion). The flash attachment itself is in pretty good shape; the prongs are a bit corroded but the inside where the batteries go aren’t.

We took a look at the Brownie, but ultimately left it for a different day ‘cause it was getting late. The mirror in one of the viewfinders is flopping around, and it’s hard to pull the whole assembly out (see page 5 of the manual) to see inside. I’m so excited to try and fix it and then test both of them (although i’ll have to order some film…).

A friend of my mom’s is staying over tonight and her daughter is a photographer (who took my senior pictures the other day, lol), and she mentioned that this daughter also had a Brownie, although she wasn’t sure if it worked or not. If it doesn’t, I would love to either trade hers for mine (assuming mine even works) so she can actually use it, or offer to take a look at hers to see if it’s fixable. Then again, it could be fully functional, and there’d be no need for any of that.

I just came back from dinner with my friend who used to work with me and her cousin, who’s also my manager (JK), and good god. Good fucking god. The situation at work is so bad behind the scenes.

Our main manager (PG) sucks. As a person, I like her fine, but as a manager? …Let’s just say, she’s the reason my friend quit. She’s the reason a lot of people quit, and her superior knows this, because people have been telling him. JK has told him that if the situation with her doesn’t change, she’s quitting at the beginning of next year. She then listed off for us a bunch of my coworkers that have only been staying because they respected JK so much and didn’t want to leave her hanging. If she leaves, that means there’s a good chance they’ll follow, and that takes about a third of the store (that’s not even considering another coworker who recently became pregnant and will also be quitting soon).

We were all silently hoping PG was going to retire, because she said she planned to next year, and we believed her! Unfortunately… her daughter took her to a tarot card reading, and you’ll never guess what they told her. “Don’t make any hasty decisions about your job at the beginning of next year.” And she’s taking this advice seriously! I have nothing against tarot, but come on! YOU’RE CATHOLIC?????? Hardcore Catholic too! I don’t even know how her daughter managed to convince her to go! And now we’re all fucked for it! FUCK!

This ship is sinking faster than the fuckin’ Titanic, and I’m over here playing the goddamn fiddle. I don’t even know why I haven’t quit yet. …That’s a lie, actually. I care too much about the customers and my coworkers (especially the other cashiers) and I don’t want her to screw everyone over. Plus, it’s in my routine now, and I mostly enjoy working, at least when everyone is getting along. Most of these people are 40+ and they’re acting like they’re in highschool (...not that i would know). There’s years of drama that I don’t have the patience to get into, and frankly, I’m tired of hearing about it, so I won’t bother with it.

Then my friend was telling me about her sisters’ situation. One of her sisters (E) has a salon, and the other (H) has a photography studio above it. E has not been paying the rent. E, in fact, has been spending the rent money, including the rent money given to her by her other stylists. They’re losing the salon. That means H is also losing her studio. H is rightfully pissed. It turns out, though, that H hasn’t been paying her rent either. E charges her $125 a week, and only on weeks she uses it. H is behind on her payments, and has also claimed that E has been charging her $600-700, which isn’t true. It’s a bad situation all around.

Changing gears a bit back to work… my gender is becoming a problem. I’m fairly cis-passing now. And I’m happy with that! I get called “sir” and “him” often, it’s great! But I’m pretty sure one of the other cashiers thinks I’m a cis guy, because she uses he/him for me (even though none of my other coworkers do this). PG heard her do this and frowned big without “correcting” her… I’m fairly certain she wouldn’t respect me if I came out and could possibly get me in trouble (my city doesn’t have any anti-discrimination policies for lgbtq+ people), so I’ve been keeping it under wraps, even though it’s obvious. I’m so fucked dude. I was counting on PG leaving so I could come out at work and not risk putting myself in uncomfortable situations, because when a coworker says “she can check you out over there” and that “she” is me, a somewhat masculine person with a fairly deep voice, people notice. It’s only a matter of time before someone says something. Ugh.

Let’s end this entry on a happy note, a small joy from today. My friend texted me earlier in the day and told me she and her family were going to drop by at work ‘cause one of her nephews wanted to see his “Uncle Dandy” (bless him). As soon as he stepped in the door and saw me, he ran right up and handed me two items – a round capsule (like something from a prize tower) with a note in it and a gummy Krabby Patty. My friend told me to read the note; it said, “I [heart] U.” So damn adorable, such a sweet kid. I had to give him a big hug.

I actually kinda liked Trigun Stampede. A lot of people don’t like it and I think that’s fair, but I also feel like it needs room to grow. There’s still a second season to come, and possibly a third if we’re lucky. It’s not a finished product, so we shouldn’t treat it like one yet. I’ve seen it twice now, and I’ve been ruminating on the choices they made, what I think worked well and what didn’t.

What I Liked:

Designs - Okay, this one is controversial. I like some of the redesigns! Meryl’s especially, her outfit is really cute and matches her peppy personality. I think Vash’s new hair and coat work pretty well, even if they are less iconic. Sick new prosthetic though, love that. Wolfwood’s new punisher is absolutely a beauty. Zazie looks AWESOME, I love their mask.

Fight Scenes - They really take advantage of the 3D animation to produce some absolutely stunning battles. The use of space, camera angles and movement, character movement and expressions, wow! Lots of fun.

Wolfwood's Backstory - Introducing the Eye of Michael and Livio early in the story is a smart move. It establishes his motivation early and helps us understand his actions more. Also, the 2D animation/silent film style for his flashbacks is wonderful.

Roberto - Listen. I love Milly. But I think Roberto’s role in the story makes sense for pre-July (Julai?) Meryl. She's inexperienced, and he acts as a (reluctant) mentor to her. That way, later on in the story, Meryl will slide easier into her own role as a mentor to Milly.

Soundtrack - Definitely longer than the ‘98 anime's, there’s over 70 tracks here! It has a completely different vibe to match the change in aesthetic; less heavy on guitar and more pianistic/orchestral. Ethereal at times. I'm glad they kept the random saxophone and flute there. The Plant leitmotif is just so 💥💥💥💥💥💥 especially in the songs that are intended to be played by Knives on his piano, fuck!

Nonhuman Worldbuilding - I'm happy they took the time to explain how worms work. Nice hivemind you have, Zazie! The Plants we already knew more about, but I’m glad they fleshed out the details.

Other - Knives having a specific key on his piano that opens a pit trap in the floor like a cartoon villain. Wolfwood stealing cigarettes off Roberto in the elevator.

What I Disliked:

Designs - Okay… I kinda lied. I do not like some of the redesigns. I hate Knives’ especially, his hair looks stupid and both of his outfits are dumb. I hate his dumb hoodie wrap thing and I think his skin suit looks silly (my mom is convinced he's naked). I wish he would put some shoes on. Legato looks paler than he used to be. I miss Vash’s leather undershirt. Why do young Vash and Knives have those fuck ass assymetrical bowl cuts. I need Wolfwood to put on some shoes. Please.

Expressions - One thing that stands out to me is the amount of silly faces there are in the manga and ‘98 anime. They’re not that prevalent in Tristamp, though. With the 3D it would make a lot of the exaggerated expressions very uncanny valley, so I understand why it was toned down… but it does feel like it’s missing a little charm there.

Not Enough Gung-Ho Guns - I know Vash only meets 3 of them before Fifth Moon/The Eriks Incident in the original, but we as the readers get to see most of them as they witness the scene and scatter. I miss them, okay.

Elendira - She gets her own point because it's less of a redesign and more like they took her name and put it on another character. Who is this little girl. Why is she a kid…is she supposed to be a kid? Is she more like Zazie where she just looks like a kid but actually has a complex mind more like an adult? Is she just an annoyingly smart kid? Is she still trans? Is she nonbinary now? I don't get it. I'm so sorry, but I'm very confused.

Intro Song - Not my thing. Sorry! It's hard to compete with ‘98’s.

Pacing - I wish there was more breathing room. Every episode is jam packed with plot and while that means there's a lot of thought put into it, there's not as much room to see the characters before they're thrown into action and pushed to their limit. I would have loved a few filler episodes, but I don't think shows do that as much anymore (not the studio’s fault though).

All in all, I’d recommend watching this show after you’ve already seen the ‘98 anime or read the manga. Otherwise, you’d be missing out on some references and won’t know what they’re foreshadowing!

Additional Note: i don’t know what consumed me to write this because i finished my tristamp rewatch like a month ago. i think im procrastinating on my trigun shrine again

Still waiting for good things to happen. Well, bigger ones. The parties were fun and I ended up spending the first one playing with my friend’s little nephews most of the time.

In the past month we’ve acquired two kittens. The first one Nana ended up finding on the farm, and she kept her in her house. Probably one of the sweetest cats I’ve ever met, and one of the louder ones to boot. When Nana took her to the vet, they told her that the kitten had feline leukemia, and needed to be put down. It was… really hard, for everybody. Especially because the other cats had been exposed to it, and we found out later that my aunt’s cat had it as well, and she’d brought her over without telling us she had it (fuckin’ asshole). Really fun times.

When we took our cat to a different vet (to make sure he didn’t get it, even though the chance of exposure was low) they told us that kittens generally tolerate it well (but made sure to say that because they weren’t there, they can’t accurately judge the other vet’s decision, which is fair). So there’s a not-zero chance that the kitten could still have lived a full life with it, or even just a few good years. Makes me a little sick. I suppose I can settle for the fact that even though she didn’t get to live out a full life, the last few days were glorious, being fed well and given lots of attention.

And the second kitten? Dad found him on the side of the road. I have no idea how he could have spotted him (Dad doesn’t know either) because he is tiny – six weeks old! Dad took him to the vet the same day because we didn’t want a repeat of last time and he got a clean bill of health. We decided to keep him (after all, Nana and her sister were probably still grieving, so it would be easier for us) and started introducing him to our adult cat… very slowly. Biscuit has only met one other cat in the three years we’ve had him, and he ended up getting hissed at. For the time being, Gravy has stayed in my parents’ bathroom, occasionally being let out to run around their bedroom, and a few times freely explore the house. Biscuit has sniffed him many of those times and only hissed two or three times. It’s a good start. I think Biscuit is afraid of him, to be honest. He always runs away if he can.

Gravy is like a human baby. I spend a lot of time with him because I want to make sure that he is developing properly (and also making sure he doesn’t bite too hard). I really hope Biscuit isn’t jealous… he won’t even sleep on my parents’ bed anymore because it smells like him.

I went down to take a break from writing this and apparently Dad let Gravy out so he and Biscuit were playing together. Biscuit would (very gently, barely even touching him) bap him with his paw when he came close. It’s progress! I think they’re warming up to each other.

►⏸ Azure Memory (Somsnosa's Theme)

Hey websiters. I uh. I dunno. I wanted to wait to write a blog post until I finally had some good news because the past few posts have been kinda debbie-downers but I don’t really have anything new to share. My manager might be retiring in December, which would be pretty nice? Not much is going on. The past few weeks I’ve been in a bit of a depressive slump (partially since I was sick, which is never fun) but it feels like my life is in a bit of a standstill. I’m just waiting for good things to happen. (And they will, because they always do, in time.)

I have two back-to-back birthday parties to go to this weekend. One on Saturday after work for my (now ex)coworker friend, and one on Sunday (I think?) for my childhood best friend. I really need to get cards for them, actually… Also, it seems like a lot of people are born in September? My manager and another coworker also have birthdays this month. Could just be my circle, though.

I’ve started tooling around in Photopea. I suck balls at it. If you see something that looks like it's been edited poorly on my site just ignore it. I’m trying my best!

I’m exhausted. The clinic in Illinois was only 3.5 hours away but it was a very long 3.5 hours. We had to go a day early and stay the night before (because they only take new patients in the morning) and I got maybe 5 hours of sleep.

Turns out this clinic also provides abortions. The clinic texted mom to tell her that the people outside in orange vests that were asking people to sign in were not affiliated with them and to let them know if we wanted an escort. Naturally, we drove right past them, even as they waved us down. There was also a guy that called out to us that this “was a place of death” and asked to pray with us. They weren’t anywhere near us (i don’t think they’re allowed within 100 feet of the building?) but it was unsettling.

The staff was really nice and supportive, and the appointment was quick. I don’t remember much about it because I was really tired and was trying to skirt through it as fast as possible so we could go home. They gave me a prescription for 3 months(!) and then I got my blood drawn. As usual.

We decided it’d be better to get it filled at a pharmacy nearby instead of chancing it at home. We went to a thrift store while we waited and it was pretty cool, it was a lot more eclectic and fun than the place I work at (i’m kinda jealous LOL). I got a Catch-22 shirt (i never finished reading the book but i have to now i guess) and an older National Geographic. Also saw this which I thought was funny. Free him.

We talked to the cashier about how he’s also from Kentucky and how I also work at a thrift store and if he ever comes down to my town he should visit our store, yeah? He was very kind.

We went to the Kroger’s pharmacy and it turned out they didn’t have the full 3 months worth in stock, but they gave us enough that I should have more than enough to cover the rest of the time I have until I’m 18 with the current way I’m taking it. Ate lunch at a McAlister’s deli, which I’d never had before.

Ended up taking the scenic route home because we didn’t have great directions. It stressed mom out but I found the backroads and forested areas relaxing. There’s a marsh sort of thing right outside the city the clinic was in and if the circumstances were different I’d have liked to stop. Also some touristy stuff that sounded cool that we were too tired to do. Well, mission accomplished or whatever.

I always thought that being cis-passing would make my life so much easier, but it’s really a double-edged sword. I only get gendered correctly about 50% of the time (pretty decent, in my opinion), but when they do get it right I have to double check every movement I make and everything I say. New fear unlocked: I’m afraid of being “found out.”

I’m not ashamed of being trans, but I don’t want to face retaliation, and I don’t want people to turn on my parents (for allowing me to medically transition). That’s probably the primary reason I haven’t come out at work (hell, in general); a solid third of my coworkers asked if they were using the right pronouns for me and I lied to them (“No haha I don’t care”). I don’t know how my main manager would react because she’s fairly conservative and friends with my mom. My parents have a lot of friends that just wouldn’t understand… and I don’t want their lifelong relationships to crumble because of me. Though, I suppose if these friends are willing to judge us that hard, they aren’t very good ones. Six of one, half dozen of the other, etc. What the hell ever.

I also just want to be loved by everyone, to be honest. I don’t want people to hate me because of the way I am. Guess I’ll just have to get over it. 🙃 I can’t keep compromising myself to make others happy! I’ll work on that eventually.

Oh! And two of my coworkers are quitting. One who started like a month ago, and the other my friend of nearly a year (who I became friends with due to this job, lol). I’m sad about it. Obviously I wish them the best, and I hope they find jobs that are healthier for them (figuratively and literally… because our manager came to work with fucking Covid a few weeks back), but I will get lonely. Well, my friend and I will always have the movies. Can’t say much about the first one though, since I barely know her. She’s pregnant though! Hopefully if everything works out for her she’ll swing by the store in approximately nine months so we can see her kid! Wishful thinking, probably, but stranger things have happened.

I don't think people see my scars anymore. I always notice them, the way they stand out when I flex my arm or the sun hits them just right. I’m not ashamed of them either; I don't like what I did to myself to get them, but they are a part of me. It almost makes me sad when they are unnoticed. Look how far I've come, see? I used to cut myself to cope and now I'm taking care of myself. A once-hollow shell, now full of love and warmth. The tapestry of my life, sprawled out for anyone to view.

Without the context of my past, am I even the same person? Can you really know me if you ignore that period of time? I dunno.

This quote has been rolling around my head for about a year now; it’s from a book I’ve never read, and it sums up my feelings pretty well:

“I like the scars because I like the stories. Bravery, stupidity, pain – none of them come free.” - Jessica Martinez, Virtuosity

Chances are you’ve heard about the multiple bills across the United States that were being discussed earlier this year that were attempting to ban gender affirming care for minors. Fun stuff. I happen to live in Kentucky, but I was receiving treatment in Tennessee because I live pretty close to the border. The bill in TN passed into law first, and I got my last 30 day dose of T in July, which I’ve been taking about half of to stretch it out as long as I can (3x/week instead of every day, should last another month or two). The law in KY is being challenged in court, which is great, but I doubt any doctors will treat minors unless it's repealed.

It would be detrimental for me to go off T. Enough said. So we had to find a clinic in a state without a ban, and the closest one is 4 hours away in Illinois. I’m going to have to take a day off work and spend the night there with my mom. I don’t even know if KY will fill the prescription or if we’ll have to go up there to get it refilled every time. Fuck, dude… well, whatever, nothing I can do about it. The appointment’s in two weeks, so I’m just going to forget about it until then.